my name is Bill and I'm a head case

[angelgazing]

shacking_up is hosting a classics week, where they encourage people to post old stories of theirs. Well, they're sort of still doing it, today (the 20th) is the last day. Anyway, so I thought I'd play.

I even conned bribed begged asked luzdeestrellas to beta two of my S/R stories that never got the beta treatment. ::cringes::

And I just... I can't do it. I went through and edited So It Goes With Faith and went through and fixed the coding and put it up where the original entry was, just because. And I... cannot post it.

It's just that it's awful. It's horrible. It's possibly the one story that am ashamed to admit to writing. If fandom writing had a scoring system then this story would be tossed with the lowest score. Everything about it, dialogue, plot (and I use the term loosely) characterization--everything about this story--just grates on my every last nerve.

I'm not even kidding, you know. Not even a little. I've been resisting the urge for ages to do a post of Things I Hate In Fiction and at least two of the top three are in this story. It pains me. It horrifies me. It makes me think, you know, maybe I'm just not cut out for this business after all.

I cannot post it on the unsuspecting public! Not if they're going to judge me based on it!

This isn't an "omg reassure me" post. This is me being horrified and other things that mean that same thing.

Am I the only one who feels this way? I mean, I don't think I'm a horrible writer. I don't think "omg yay me", but I don't think I completely suck either. Except, in this case, where I did everything wrong. I've got stories I like (sorta), but none that I am embarrassed by like this one.

Am I the only one? Really? Do you have stories of your own that you love? That you hate? That you cringe at the thought of? Am I all alone in my deep mental issues regarding my writing?

So many questions.

Comments

[moonflower-rose.livejournal.com]

I do know what you mean. *raises hand, stomps feet and sings hallelujah* My first ever H/D fic absolutely makes me cringe, the initial chapters are so embarrassing. I think it gradually improves as the chapters pass, but god at first it's just so humiliatingly obvious that the author was fresh off the fanfic boat. I feel like pulling it sometimes but i can't, it was actually quite popular despite being sorta pathetic. However, some of my recent stuff makes me feel quite proud of myself, if only for the fact that i CAN compare them to first ficcie and see a marked improvement.

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, and this is just in the HP fandom. I've sort of, uh, forsaken all others before it or something. they don't exist to me, lalalalala.

but see, see that's the thing. That's what really cooks my goose, or some other such phrase that makes more sense. I was not fresh off the fanfic boat! The fanfic boat dropped me off three fandoms ago, at least. And yet still, there it was, horrible as horrible could be. ::cringes::

I don't even have the comparing thing going for me, because really one of my more likeable ones--to me, anyway--was written around the same time. So yay for your improvement, but boo for my lack of it. lol

[danbi.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAH! So fucking funny you posted this now, as I've been archiving all my fanfic to monkey_realm. I thought it might be fun to read through some of my old stories - to see what my writing used to be like as opposed to now.

THE CLICHES. OH GOD, THEY BURN. AND THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE IN THE STORY.

I totally thought I was so good at writing, too. I've never had my confidence waver like this before. But it's just...yeah, I feel the same damn way. I won't even cross-post links to comms anymore because I don't want to inflict that shit on anyone, as if it's something worth their time. I mean, I like writing, so I continue to do it, but like...you know? I honestly feel bad if I point them to something that so obviously sucks.

It just...yeah. I think I know what you mean, if not exactly, then relatively. And...I dunno. I don't want reassurance, I just want to be able to write semi-decent shit. :P

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

Oh, I still whore myself out to every comm around. I like attention too much to not, no matter how craptastic it may be. ;)

And I like cliches. You know, when they're done right. I used tot hink i did them right. Oh, but I was wrong. Woe.

But, yes, omg, I just want to be able to write decently. I think you get it pretty much exactly. I love not being alone on this one. lol

[danbi.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, I've got the whole guilt complex thing. I mean, I don't feel as bad if I just mention a link on my own journal to something I've written but if I actually pimp it to places, I...dunno, I just can't anymore. I don't really feel bad, though, since rare pairs aren't exactly the rage, as it were.

I can't do cliches well. I've tried, but they just sound formulaic. I honestly had no idea they were cliches when I wrote them but after being in the HP fandom for over a year...yeah. Just yeah.

Yay. *|o|*

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

Cliches are tricky little buggers. Because I shouldn't, I know, but I love them. Stuck in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and--oh noes--a snowstorm comes and the only way to survive teh night is with shared body heat! We must get out of these wet clothes! Pining! Locked in a closet!

I'm so weak.

And they are so, so very hard to write well. I just... can't. I want to, but I can't.

Then, just to make matters worse, I don't really know an HP cliche unless it hits me in the face.