Well, they have Ophelia’s funeral and everybody’s there. They got diamonds on their doublet, they got ribbons in their hair. They’re rattlin’ their beads and twistin’ in their chairs, Tryin’ to catch if any celebrities are there. And it’s a pleasant event, until into her grave Leaps her brother Laertes and he rants and raves. He’s shakin’ his fist and pullin’ his hair, Gettin’ his ass tangled up in his underwear, Jumpin’ up and down in a frenzied fit, Meanwhile stompin’ her body to shit. He cries, "FEE-FO-FI, if I find the guy who caused her to die, I’ll slice him like a pie. I’ll cut out his heart and send it to Peru, ‘N’ I’ll c.o.d. his balls off to Timbuktu, Ship his dick to England in a registered letter, And then let him try to get his shit back together." Then the king pulls his coat, he says, "Harken to this, Hamlet’s the dude who fucked up your sis. And he also stabbed your daddy, too, And all you do is boo-hoo-hoo? What kind of brother and son are you? If it was my family I know what I’d do, I’d be on him like a damned tattoo. Now… there is a sword with a poisoned tip. It’ll send any sucker on a one-way trip, ‘Cause all it takes is one itty bitty scratch… Hey, Hamlet, how about a little fencin’ match?" Well, then the whole fuckin’ place caves in, Hamlet stabs Laertes, and Laertes stabs him. Then Hamlet turns around and stabs his uncle, too, While the queen drinks some poison the king had brewed. So she dies, he dies, Hamlet dies, Laertes dies On top of where Ophelia lies, Right next to where Polonius died. And before you can wink, blink or turn your head, Chop-stab-slice -- every motherfucker’s dead.
Then in walks this cat Fortinbras, he says, "What – is -- this? I have never seen such a fuckin’ mess. You got skulls and swords, you got guts and gore, You got bodies piled up from ceiling to floor. You got broken glass, y’got tangled hairs, You got blood and wine runnin’ down the stairs. You got dented armor and ripped up gowns, You got bent-up crowns just rollin’ ‘round. Y’got a punctured king, y’got a poisoned queen, Y’got a sweet prince dyin’ on the mezzanine. And behind that curtain there’s another dead duff, And a body from the fishpond just floated up. Y’got a stiff in the garden with some gunk in his ear, And a tattoo says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here, And two guards on the gate tower drunk on beer. What the hell’s been goin’ on here?"
Well, that was the end of our sweet prince, He died in confusion and nobody’s seen him since. And the moral of the story is bells do get out of tune… And you can find shit in a silver spoon… And an old man’s revenge can be a young man’s ruin… Oh – and never look too close… at what your mamma is doin’.
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They got diamonds on their doublet, they got ribbons in their hair.
They’re rattlin’ their beads and twistin’ in their chairs,
Tryin’ to catch if any celebrities are there.
And it’s a pleasant event, until into her grave
Leaps her brother Laertes and he rants and raves.
He’s shakin’ his fist and pullin’ his hair,
Gettin’ his ass tangled up in his underwear,
Jumpin’ up and down in a frenzied fit,
Meanwhile stompin’ her body to shit.
He cries, "FEE-FO-FI, if I find the guy who caused her to die,
I’ll slice him like a pie. I’ll cut out his heart and send it to Peru,
‘N’ I’ll c.o.d. his balls off to Timbuktu,
Ship his dick to England in a registered letter,
And then let him try to get his shit back together."
Then the king pulls his coat, he says, "Harken to this,
Hamlet’s the dude who fucked up your sis.
And he also stabbed your daddy, too,
And all you do is boo-hoo-hoo? What kind of brother and son are you?
If it was my family I know what I’d do, I’d be on him like a damned tattoo.
Now… there is a sword with a poisoned tip.
It’ll send any sucker on a one-way trip,
‘Cause all it takes is one itty bitty scratch…
Hey, Hamlet, how about a little fencin’ match?"
Well, then the whole fuckin’ place caves in,
Hamlet stabs Laertes, and Laertes stabs him.
Then Hamlet turns around and stabs his uncle, too,
While the queen drinks some poison the king had brewed.
So she dies, he dies, Hamlet dies, Laertes dies
On top of where Ophelia lies,
Right next to where Polonius died.
And before you can wink, blink or turn your head,
Chop-stab-slice -- every motherfucker’s dead.
Then in walks this cat Fortinbras, he says, "What – is -- this?
I have never seen such a fuckin’ mess.
You got skulls and swords, you got guts and gore,
You got bodies piled up from ceiling to floor.
You got broken glass, y’got tangled hairs,
You got blood and wine runnin’ down the stairs.
You got dented armor and ripped up gowns,
You got bent-up crowns just rollin’ ‘round.
Y’got a punctured king, y’got a poisoned queen,
Y’got a sweet prince dyin’ on the mezzanine.
And behind that curtain there’s another dead duff,
And a body from the fishpond just floated up.
Y’got a stiff in the garden with some gunk in his ear,
And a tattoo says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here,
And two guards on the gate tower drunk on beer.
What the hell’s been goin’ on here?"
Well, that was the end of our sweet prince,
He died in confusion and nobody’s seen him since.
And the moral of the story is bells do get out of tune…
And you can find shit in a silver spoon…
And an old man’s revenge can be a young man’s ruin…
Oh – and never look too close… at what your mamma is doin’.