aaand let's just call that 'the last straw' shall we?

[angelgazing]

Things I Absolutely Loath in Fiction of Any Kind, Be It Fannish or Original:

1. Boys Who Cry Like Girls - Listen, people, honestly. Boy are boys. Boys are taught from a very young age to not cry at the drop of a dime. Hell, most girls don't cry like you've got boys crying in these stories. An overly emotional scene will, nine times out of ten, only be bogged down by one of the boys in it "sobbing". Unless someone very close to them as just died, they should not cry if they are over the age of five.

2. Boys Who Talk About Their Feelings (Like Girls) - No. No and no and a thousand more times no. House is not going to talk about how he feels about Wilson. Hell, House won't admit how he feels about Stacey and that one is painfully obvious to even the slasher. Is he going to sit down and tell Wilson anything along the lines of, "I love you, but you're my only friend and I can't do anything to mess that up"? No. The answer there is very much no. On that point Sam will not plead with Dean to give them a chance. Dean will sure as hell not cry while telling Sam, "I'm so in love with you, but you're my brother and it's wrong." Boys, especially boys like House, Dean, Harry and Remus, do not go into conversations like that ever. They evade. When they can't evade they joke. When they can't joke, evade and are pressed up against a wall with a simple question of what they want in front of them? They'd go with the kissing to avoid actually saying it. You know it's true.

3. Boys Who Act Like Girls - See 1 & 2, add insistent mooning, thoughts of soul-mates, true love and The One in all caps, and bake at 350 for twenty minutes until crispy brown. It's guaranteed to make me want to kill myself in self defense when sat down in front of me. Now you know my kryptonite.

4. The Word Lover - Honestly now, have you ever thought of your S.O. as your "lover"? Unless you're writing fic about Will Ferrel characters (and if you are, please god never let me know) or mocking Carrie then don't do it. It's everyone's best bet. I know that there are a lack of other options that don't suck. I know that you don't want Harry thinking of Draco as his "boyfriend" (that only makes him sound like a teenage girl) but "lover" is just as bad-romance-novel as "pulsing member" in my eyes. And I have such a distaste for even good romance novels.

5. Lack of Understanding for Proper Comma Usage - It's one thing to know the rules and ignore them, but it's a whole other thing to just not know. There are places where it gets confusing. There are times when where you learned and grew up can and will change the way you do it. But one rules is universal, and it is the rule that I most hate to see not followed. When you are speaking to a person, there is a comma before their name, there is a comma after their name. "Come on, Sammy, buck up and be a man," Dean said. "Dean," Sam hissed, bleeding profusely, "Shut up."

6. POV Shiftiness - You know what I'm talking about. You know. Wilson is thinking how much he hates all that Vicodin that House takes and then suddenly it's House staring into Wilson's eyes longingly, thinking he'd give up Vicodin forever for just. one kiss. Yeah, that. Stop it.

7. Real Life is Real Life and Fiction is Fiction - This is a tricky one, but it's a thing. The real world is always going to affect fiction. Not in the "OMG Big News Story the Gilmore Girls should banter about it" way, although that way is fun sometimes. But in the way that real people think has to apply to fiction as well. There are things that are not allowed in any culture, and I think we all know this is the Dean/Sam, Don/Charlie part of the list. Incest is badwrong, mmk? I ship just as much as the next, but it's wrong. I understand the temptation to pretend that it doesn't matter, that it won't, that it never would, because first and foremost is the love. But it does, it had and it will. Pretending it doesn't is just... Not on.

8. Who Are You? Do I Know You? - Characterization. It's important. The characters should always, always build the story. It's easy enough, I promise you. If you've got a character worth writing about, and I've got plenty of fandoms filled with them, then it's easy. Look at Harry. Look at his past, his present, his future. Look at the way he reacts to situations, and tell me that it's harder to build a story of of that than it is to make Harry act the way you need him for your plot.

9. The Young, Australian Doctor - Pronouns are hard in slash. I know that, you know that, anyone who's ever glanced at slash knows that. There are probably writers somewhere that don't write slash that know that, just from the horrible horribleness that is trying to write two characters of the same gender in a scene together. The answer to this problem is Proper Nouns (the caps are to make it more important) there is no wrong with proper nouns. They're clear. There's no room for confusion. The solution to a pronoun problem is always a proper noun. It is never, ever* "the younger man" or "the older doctor" or "the Austalian" or "the werewolf". You get me, people? Good. (Thanks to musesfool for this one)

10. Don't Tell Me About the Pain, Show Me the Baby - House's life sucks. At least, if you want to listen to the writers. His life sucks. Your actual opinion may vary, as mine tends to do. His leg hurts and he kind of hates his job when he doesn't love it and his best friend, who he is in love with, is married. But House does not sit around all day bemoaning his lack of a life. He jokes, he snarks, he tortures underlings and bosses and patients alike. But "House sat alone, staring out the window at the rain, thinking about how his leg hurt. He needed another Vicodin, but it was too soon. it was always too soon for Wilson, though. House didn't understand why Wilson didn't like him taking Vicodin. House thought his life was crap and that Vicodin was the only thing that made it better. House was sad about that." does not work. I promise you it doesn't work. Now, I'll be the first to admit that from time to time, telling is the way to go. (My favorite example of this is: "Don't you love me?") But most times, House sitting in his office, a Vicodin bottle in hand, watching the rain hit the window, will get the point across. Show it. Don't tell it.



There will probably be more later. You know, when I can focus. :p

ETA 9 & 10 and the usual disclaimer, which is as follows: Yes, yes there are exceptions to these rules. To all of these rules. There are people who can make one of my boys crying absolutely believable, there are times when boys talking about their feelings is understandable, there are times when a really good writer gets a hold of something and makes me believe it no matter what. It's all a matter of what you do with what you've got.



* Except for when it is. Which is rare, yes, but there are fandoms where I find it acceptable. Firefly, as musesfool pointed out. The captain is accepted. The doc is as well, usually. Though really, I think both depend on the point of view character. If you're writing a Firefly fic from River's point of view then Simon will always be Simon, he will never be "the doc".